A darker post than most, but these thoughts reside there as much as the others.
Some days I am the light. I am filled with inspiration and lessons from a hard life and I believe that I am making a difference, that I have finally become someone my children can be proud of, that I have overcome the demons of my past…some days I am the light.
Today is not such a day.
Today the rabbit hole has opened up, shown me her teeth and invited me to have rum in the middle of the day with Alice.
What if I am wrong?
What if it’s not about the journey?
What if it is about the destination and I have no idea where I am going?
And why is no one going with me?
It occurred to me today that there has not been a single man in my life that has loved me enough to stay. Not one. Not since I was a little girl, not through adolescence, not in my “prime”, not through my marriages, not now, not ever.
And the common denominator is me.
I let that wash over me today and almost drown on my truth.
I am tired. I truly am. What if I was a mistake? What if my purpose isn’t a purpose at all…
What if they’re just words…strung together, meaningless. What will I be remembered for? and if it is so easy to leave my side, will I even be remembered at all?
I planned a thousand journeys and lived hundreds of lifetimes. I’ve heard promise after promise and never had one I could hold on to, that I could put stock in, that I could bet on, but it has never stopped me from believing.
I’ve heard all the beautiful words I could ever want to hear and not one of them added up to anything with longevity. I’ve looked into the eyes of men I have loved and have been handed the world on the silver tongues of lies…and it tasted just as sweet.
Every. Single. Time.
To what end? always the same…always an end to my for-evers. Always, or I wouldn’t be writing this.
And there is no need for some feminist anthem talking about how I don’t need a man to be happy, no I don’t …but I’d like one. I’d like to have a man that loved me….rabbit holes and all and stayed, ringside for all of it.
That will let me sit in my darkness and won’t try to pull me out, but who will leave the light on.
You see I don’t need to be saved…I just want someone in my corner, cheering me on while I save myself.