I am sitting here looking out the window at an overcast sky, listening to painfully deep words set to a haunting melody. The only light comes from the screen this is written on and I am waiting for my opportunity to spill the ink from my soul into the ears of a man I once loved.
Correction, still love.
And although I know he doesn’t deserve the kind words that will fall from my lips I can’t help but try to leave him better than I found him. Also wine, wine helps wean the filter of logic from my already mad mind.
“Hey now put your best dress on” lyrics from the Damien Jurado song I am listening to after watching the film Tumbledown. It gave me some perspective on grief, one I hadn’t considered until this moment and the song’s lyrics are striking at me…because essentially that is what I am about to do. Only with words.
I am going to hang my words like a window dressing, masterfully constructed to try to describe the exquisite pain of my heart and leave it looking and feeling a little less …raw.
And much like the bare bones frame of a window, my splinters will only be masked for a short time until I peel back the layers and let the light in.
I find myself wondering more often than not lately when I will feel again…anything that resembles who I was before him. And I wonder how many more goodbyes I will endure and how many tears I have left to spill and what exactly does “normal” look like?
I filled hundreds of pages with thoughts of him and it was only a fraction of the content of my mind. I never needed him to be on the same page, I just needed him to open the book.
I wonder when my words stopped touching him…and when he stopped reading them. So tonight I will do exactly the opposite of my heart and say goodbye…again. Because he stopped letting me be me a long time ago and I stopped being me because of it.