It is done.
I had my conversation and although there was no happy ending, there was an ending. Only my heart doesn’t quite believe it.
So I do what I always do in my time of reflection and I took it to the ocean. I sat in the rain and watched in awe of the calmness of the water although storm clouds formed overhead and gentle giants rumbled in the sky.
And I watched the sea kiss the shore, the birds running down the silver waves and the crabs diligently doing what they always seem to be doing…looking about and throwing sand.
I sat and played “Everything Trying” another amazing song by Damien Jurado and I let the words fill the spaces in my racing mind. Until I was breathing with the tide, inhaling salt and rain clouds and exhaling pain. I tried to imagine my pain like toxic air and the need to expel it from my body was tangible. So I sat and I breathed until I could feel the flapping of the wings of the pelicans and the vibrations from the crabs crawling beneath the sand.
And I realized what I was missing…
With him, I felt like I finally belonged…like I was the puzzle piece, the perfect fit and there were no missing parts only a complete picture of what I longed for in my life. With him, I felt purpose driven and it was as though all the gifts I had acquired from surviving so far were made transparent so I could finally be ME.
He felt like home.
He still feels like home.
The only time my mind was ever quite was with him. And now it’s all bowling balls and lightening strikes, an ever present bustling of memories, like a crowded high school hallway after the final bell on the first day of school…all of them clamoring around, unsure of their destination, bumping into one another in a dizzying chorus of “excuse me’s and I’m sorry’s”
So I sat…and tried to imagine my waters calming while dark clouds loomed over my heart and I thought if the ocean can do it, surely I can do it.
I can put myself in the way of the storm and find my calm and silence my mind and direct my brain to making new memories to replace the ones that can never be again.
And as I write this I tremble…because the truth is I don’t want new memories. I want him.