my truth today…
I miss you. More than I ever thought it possible to miss someone. I found love at a time when I wasn’t looking, when I had given up hope for such things. I had resigned myself to being the third wheel, the fifth wheel and no wheel at all.
So to say you were a pleasant surprise would be an understatement. You were every wish I had ever made on every shooting star in the night sky. A lot of pressure right? Only you made it seem effortless and boy did I feel loved…truly loved.
It was the kind of love that made me feel loved for exactly WHO I WAS.
But it just occurred to me just how much pressure that must have been for you in the situation you were in. I never wanted or expected you to make ME happy. I was already happy with my life, but the fact that you were in it made it all the brighter. I never saw it ending. It was so effortless, the pieces of the puzzle all coming together I just assumed we’d throw some glue on it, frame it and hang it on the wall, a testament to our great big happy beginning, right next to our Goodwill photo.
The happiness I felt with you still moves me to tears, as does the loss of you. The landscape of my heart has forever changed. I wouldn’t have it any other way. You changed me for the better, made me face myself head on, challenged me to be stronger. I grew with you. Under your nurturing ways I came closer to the woman I always dreamed I would be.
As I have told you before, my only regret has been that I did not let you go with grace. I held so long because I fell so hard. Truth be told, I still cling to shards of hope…I always believed in us. There were times when I could literally feel your presence as you grew closure to my physical location and times when I would swear I could hear your thoughts when you were thinking of me. I have compared everyone to you since, unfairly so, because you were the only vibration I wished to pick up on.
My biggest mistake was not trusting that connection. I always needed clarification that what was happening was what was actually happening, I was so afraid that I was imagining things that I spoiled the simplicity of it with complications. Only upon reflection was I able to decipher my own code of insecurities.
I was so outwardly confident and verbally confident and internally I was absolutely petrified that you would stop loving me, that you would leave…so I created a self fulfilling prophecy. I talked us to death, I suppose that is part writer’s curse and part of my past sneaking its tendrils into my core.
For as much as I boasted about seeing you with fresh eyes and I DID see you with fresh eyes…I saw MYSELF as the abandoned, never good enough little girl that everyone seemed to use up and toss aside. You see it wasn’t YOU I had issues with, it was ME.
I am so sorry. I realized that today, just now in fact and thought I should tell you in the only way I know how.
What a break through, what an absolutely devastating breakthrough.
I miss you. I love you. I am sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
Maybe this changes nothing, maybe it changes everything.