Crunching Numbers

Standing in the middle of a path lined with wild flowers with the sun blazing unforgiving on my face I took the deepest breath of my life. I inhaled pine and palm, sky and lake. I concentrated on the beads of sweat dripping into the small of my back and acknowledged the pain in my right calf, (too many fractures and Achilles ruptures…)

I gave thanks to my body for surviving me. I gave thanks to my mind for surviving me. I gave thanks that I was able to stand in this place, at this time and take in that deep breath and I exhaled and forgave myself for the last year, for my failures…for everything I put myself through….because I am so fundamentally broken at times.

How does one come to this place? Why do we take the simplest things and make them so complicated?

I want to climb trees and run on the beach and swing in the park and laugh and blow bubbles and go to the fair and feel the wind on my face from the back of a motorcycle and jump into a cold lake off a long pier and wander in a forest and find magic at night and pretend that lightening bugs are fairies and skip rocks across a calm surface.

I want to roast marshmallows and I don’t even really like them but I want to feel the warmth of them smoosh around chocolate squares and smell graham crackers over an open fire. I want to play hide and seek. I want to cheat and peek through my fingers and count to 100 really, really fast.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 20, 55, 79, 100!!!”

There is no part of me that longs to sit behind a desk crunching numbers, no part of me that wants the harsh florescent lights of an overhead office to replace the warmth of the sun on my face. There is no part of you that wants that either. So why do we do it?

Why did we make our lives so complicated? So unhappy? So demanding of things we do not wish to give just to survive in a concrete construction house with pretty bathroom towels we aren’t allowed to touch? When did we decide that the logo imprinted on the vehicle that we drive is more important than the imprint of our hearts?

Why did we stop believing in ourselves?

I’m not crunching numbers anymore. I am not basking in the rays of fluorescent lighting. I am standing in the middle of a path lined with sunshine, tongue out, tasting the rain from a sky filled with possibility. And I am giving thanks today…for a body and mind that although broken…still believes in magic and miracles.

Irish Blessing

“May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.”


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