Happy Birthday Me~ You are a fucking warrior!

Each birthday I take some time to reflect on the past year and again I can’t believe how much I have survived. I have never been one to take the easy road and I suppose that is a good thing, because who would I be without these trials and tribulations.

I still struggle to forgive myself for a lot of things and I am still struggling to come to peace with the woman that I have become…I am trying to practice grace and the art of letting go. Perhaps because I have always had to let go…it comes harder to me.

I am longing for the days of a quiet mind. The past year has left me worn, probably the most worn I have ever been…I have exposed all the parts of my soul, all of my wounds, all of my fears, loves I have lost, dreams that have faded…this soul baring is hard work. How easy it would be to plaster a fake smile on my face and make you all feel better about the battles that wage under the surface of my war torn skin.

But even I have abandoned thoughts of painting pretty pictures or making my pain sound beautiful with an array of carefully articulated phrases. It’s been a rough year. It’s been a fucking devastating year…but I’m still here. I am still plugging away trying to make my life into something spectacular.

I am grateful for every second that I have been blessed to be here…I am even more grateful for the hard times because they have allowed me to recognize just how beautiful and fleeting the good times can be. So today I will put myself in the way of beauty, I will satisfy the wanderer in my soul and walk until my legs will no longer carry me and let it all go….let the past year, be exactly that, my past. And I will make a conscious effort to be present…

I suppose the most valuable lesson I have learned is that I can survive…I wrote a poem this year that I felt summed me up to a T…

‘You say damaged,

I say my heart’s will to love

is greater than the sum of my disappointments”

And that is the truth of who I am at my core. My heart has a will to love like no other I have ever come across. I refuse to let the circumstances of my life turn me into something harsh or bitter. I simply refuse. That is taking the easy road. That is quitting. If I allowed my life’s disappointments to dictate the kind of human being I was to become, I would be giving up and I am a fucking warrior.

I will not be stripped of my optimism. I will not be stripped of hope. I will not give up, ever. Because that is EASY…and that is simply not a path this warrior’s heart will ever choose.

 

Happy Birthday me, we made it another year.

 

 

3 thoughts on “Happy Birthday Me~ You are a fucking warrior!

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