Let’s get fucking real…depression is not a switch I can turn on and off at will.

My depression is not a switch I can turn on and off at will….My depression is sometimes stronger than my will, hell sometimes depression IS my will.

I don’t want to feel this empty hollow echoing of loneliness in my chest that drops like a metal pan on a tile floor in the middle of the night.

I don’t want to feel like the only place I am welcome is the deep imprint of my frame in the even emptier king size bed that sits in my bedroom mocking me.

I don’t enjoy this. And I don’t understand this any more than you do. And I can’t just flip a switch and will myself into a better state of mind.

I can’t just “get it together”…

don’t you think if the choice were an easy one I would make the choice that were easiest for myself?

Do I strike you as someone who wants to put creases of worry in the faces of her family and friends?

Do you think that I would willingly give up my happiness to this demon who comes to dine on my sleepless nights?

You think I can’t “logically” assess all the things I have in my life going for me?

Do you think I don’t know that I have family and friends?

It isn’t that simple ok.

It isn’t as easy as applying logic…if it were NOONE would suffer. But I do. I suffer and right now I am drowning. I am drowning in the disappointment of myself. I am drowning because I am disappointing you. I am drowning because I can’t make you understand that this isn’t as easy as snapping your fingers or telling me that things will be okay. I KNOW what they are….I am drowning because these broken pieces don’t have ears…

I am broken.

I am so broken. I can’t find the will to stand. I can’t find the will to shower or eat. I put on the saddest movie I have ever seen just to see if I could FEEL something again…anything, because the parts of me that were left and holding on have slipped into the swirling waters of the drain…and I am not reaching out to hold on. I want to slip away. I want this pain to end, to start over, to have a redo….I am tired….I am tired of treading muddy waters and never feeling clean.

All I can do now is breathe…and even that is a struggle because the sum of the weight of my disappointments is growing and I can’t seem to do the math…

I know you think I should just be able to talk myself off the ledge and I have, I have for a long, long time…but sometimes, sometimes that ledge looks like salvation. And I am sorry because I know how crazy this all sounds, but I can’t help it right now.

I know you don’t want to see me hurting. I know you don’t want to see me stumble or fall, but every time I hear simple solutions to a complicated state of mind I feel even more like a failure. I feel a complete affirmation that something is wrong with me because I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the perceived simplicity of my circumstance.

I know this feeling will pass but right now…

I can’t just “get it together”

I can’t just “snap out of it”

This is what my depression looks like and I am steadily resenting every second that I have to plaster a fake smile on my face to make it okay for everyone else.

This is me today. Maybe not tomorrow, but this is me today.

 

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5 thoughts on “Let’s get fucking real…depression is not a switch I can turn on and off at will.

  1. YES! Thank you for sharing this post, I can completely relate to it. You are not alone in feeling the way that you are. I’m following your blog as your posts make so much sense to me

  2. Bravo to you for expressing yourself so well and for continuing in life. I have to say I’m shocked because so much of what you said mirrored how I’ve thought and what I’ve gone through with depression. It was a good reminder of not being alone. So thank you.

  3. I hate to see you this way but I love that you know yourself – and are honest with yourself. I’m glad that you are able to talk to us about your feelings and depression rather than hold it inside. Peace and better days my friend -hugz-

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