Head over heels and looking back it wasn’t because he was a knight in shinning armor but because he was scared and flawed like me. I found myself seeking out all of his rough edges because that was what I was used to. It was comfortable to curl up in his darkness. But something happened to me there. Originally I gave him the credit for coaxing me out of the shadows and so overwhelmed with gratitude for finally looking upon light that I showered him with all of my praise.
It wasn’t under later that I realized that it wasn’t him at all. It was my own growth, my own soul that no longer wished to reside in obscurity. I longed to feel what everyone else was feeling and so like a tiny seedling I adapted in that dark space soaking up scraps of affection and feelings of understanding until I grew brave enough to sprout from the ground and seek the smallest fragments of light.
And I tested my resolve to fully emerge. Some days the gloom was so comforting that I didn’t even pick up my head. I inhaled his scent and curled my body around him and felt all the warmth he would allow, it just wasn’t enough. I needed more.
Tiny luminescent particles edged their way past the drab places and I sprouted wings. I was no longer able to fit comfortably there, the soil from where I came turned brittle and cold was no longer cozy. I tried to bring him with me…into the light, but he was having no part of it.
I would visit of course, because I loved him and I was convinced that when I found my place, I would make it his place too…it never even occurred to me that he wouldn’t want to leave.
But what choice does a seeding have but two?
To continue to reach with outstretched hands for the sun until it has fully realized what it can become or wither and die in that familiar soil.
I haven’t realized the bloom of my stem yet, but I am reaching for those amber skies.