I spoke the words and I instantly choked up. It was a warning that this concept, these words I spoke needed further attention. I was describing the feeling of euphoria I felt in those first few months of meeting him.
And they were euphoric. I could have never imagined that I was capable of the surge of empathy and love I felt for him. I didn’t think it was possible. And the words I used to describe what I endured at his hands, was “purpose”.
It almost destroyed me.
You see, I have spent most of my years here suffering; whether it was the abandonment of my father, or the hands of my abusive step-father, or the attack I endured when I ran away, the subsequent marriage at 16 to a 28 year old religious fraud or the 23 surgeries I have had from one illness(cancer) or mishap… I have suffered.
I used to question what I must have done in a previous life, or if I was made of evil things, or if something I had done in my youth had caused some cruel karmic fate…I could never make sense of my life…I could never wrap my head around a body and mind put through such torture and my heart suffered the most of all…because I never understood why I needed to be broken…over and over.
So when he came along so broken…I believed with my entire being that I had been broken for him…so I could help him mend. I believed that my whole life prepared me for this man and his family. I felt strong enough to withstand his storm. I felt purpose. I knew I could show him that no matter how many pieces there were that I would spend the rest of my life piecing them back together with him. I loved him. And for a while, maybe he loved me back. It felt that way.
I don’t want you to be confused, I wasn’t trying to save him or change him. I wanted to prove to him that it could be done. If I, the product of divorce, abuse, sexual assault, eating disorders, institutionalization, fraud marriage, cancer, and violent physical assault could STILL love and hope and survive, that he would and could too. That there was always a silver lining and I wanted to show him the way.
My heart and soul was finally fulfilled and I felt REAL. I felt LOVED. I had PURPOSE, briefly and despite my best efforts my unyielding love ended brutally and swiftly. He said he didn’t know what happened but that everything changed in a 48 hour period…he just stopped caring, stopped loving me after telling me I was the best thing to ever happen to him. To say I was devastated is a understatement. If this wasn’t my purpose then all of my suffering was what? to prepare me for the worst of all? to take from me the one thing I thought was the reward for all my pain? to drive the stake deeper into my heart? to toy with me? to give me hope only to strip it from my hands in the cruelest manner possible?
Was I made of evil things? Was I being punished? Was I a bad person?
I questioned everything, including my ability to decipher reality from fantasy. I could no longer trust my own mind and thoughts. I fell.
I fell apart…all those pieces that I had painstakingly put back together crumbled, until there was nothing. I could see no reason to go on…I mean what was the point of continuing on a journey that was going to lead to absolute despair? I tried to die. I wanted too. It’s hard to admit being so terribly sad that the thought of continuing to breathe is the equivalent of asking me to change the trajectory of the moon, I couldn’t see any way or reason to put myself through more suffering. Some days that train of thought is still there, although not nearly as often or prevalent as it once was. But the point is to be honest right? And I suffer from depression, OCD and anxiety…so there’s that.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that I allowed my mind to believe that I was someone else’s purpose. That everything I had been through was for the BENEFIT of someone else…and now I am here to tell you that that is horseshit!!
I am here for ME and I am enough. I started thinking to myself that my purpose was ME and that no other person outside of myself was ever going to influence me to that point again….It wasn’t him, it was ME. The power of my own thoughts to harness self-love, self-care, positive thoughts all resided in me. So I wrote this for myself…and for you.