I was caught up, searching for a truth about myself, trying desperately to apply my own words. You see, we are cruel. We are the cruelest to ourselves, ripping into our hearts and minds for feeling the way we do, tossing and tumbling like a surfer on a maverick wave.
And that’s it isn’t it?
The wave. The perfect metaphor for what we are all doing…Some of us watching from shore too afraid to test the waters and some of us coast on the surface too afraid of what lies beneath to fully submerge…and then there’s people like me…
Recklessly abandoning reason, logic or safety for that glorious experience. It could end tragically or be the best ride of our lives and so we go…for the uncertainty, the rush, the thrill of not knowing where the wave will take us and what shore we will wash upon.
Because the depths hold beauty and mystery. The depths hold secrets, passion, desire and dreams. Only when we go deep can we unlock the mystery of ourselves.
So, come here with me, let’s go deep…
I want to be a better woman today, better than I was yesterday. I want to nurture my body, it’s done a lot for me and I have spent a lifetime hating it.
I want to let go of my attachment to people…I hold so hard because I have lost so much, but I’ve realized that no matter my grip or my resolve, people leave. They just leave, by death, by choice, by circumstance they leave and that is as much a part of the experience as anything else. Hell, I’VE LEFT. I’ve been the one to pick up and walk away at times, so why is it so difficult for me to accept another’s choice for doing the same?
I want to BE the person I am destined to become and my time is running out. I am tired of pretending to be okay these days…I’m not okay. I am filled with sadness…and that’s just going to have to be okay right now, it is a truth. MY truth.
God, I loved someone so much…and those words look incredibly small and weak for the expanse that my heart occupied. I believed in something pure and beautiful and wanted it selfishly beyond measure to last forever and actually thought that it would. It feels like a thousand razors slicing their way through my finely battered heart. It feels like a void that sits squarely on my chest, expanding and collapsing within itself creating more and more space until all I am is empty. Just empty.
The loss has crippled me and splintered my fragile mind and I wish like hell I could will these feelings away…because I would give anything NOT to feel this pain, but I do…it’s become a part of me and has forced me to be stronger than I ever wanted to be.
I ride the wave of this loss everyday and save myself from drowning every single day.
And that is the key. I save myself every single day. Somewhere inside me there is a tiny little flame that continues to search for that moment that it will find the air to breathe and ignite, birthing a new star, if not this lifetime the next.
More truth…I have amazing friends, amazing family, a support system like no other and I am well aware and grateful. I feel like I am a part of a beautiful community, but when I leave our Friday night gatherings or our Taco Tuesday spot or Tribe movie nights…I know that I am driving to an empty house, a quiet house, an unforgiving house. And it is hard. It hurts not to be crawling into bed, curled gently in the arms of someone who loves me. I don’t get the luxury of breath on my neck, or feeling the too much warmth of a body draped over mine, or get to hear the low rumbling of snores from the other side of the bed.
I go home to an unoccupied space and it reminds me of the unoccupied space within my heart. And more often than not, I cry because for the first time I am no longer just alone, I am lonely and I am traveling down the hardest years of my life…missing that part of the human experience.
And that is when the rabbit hole opens up and I feel less than human and somehow a little less a part of something and I break some more and those thoughts creep in, the ones that tell me I don’t need to be here, that my purpose is temporary like every single thing that has ever been in my life and that perhaps it’s time to have some control over how I leave this world instead of succumbing to some ridiculous illness and I exhale because the tears are too robust to hold back any longer that tiny little ember gets just enough air to fire up one more time…and I save myself again, building galaxy upon galaxy.
And maybe that’s all we all are…star after star… guiding and inspiring until we die a beautiful death and are born again creating all the worlds we’ve ever known, each star telling its own story, creating it’s own constellation with the people of our families and tribes…riding the wave of creation, searching our depths for the answers.
I have an incredible will inside of me.
I have a story.
My whole existence is a voice… so won’t you ride this wave with me?
When my time comes, look to the stars…I’ll be the brightest one.