Metamorphisis of the man

What in the actual fuck? I say that with all due respect. I have been thrust into online dating as the only viable chance of meeting men I would otherwise not be exposed to…and now I know why. It’s because no one else will have them.

So I thought I would be one step ahead of the game and put in big bold capital letters: ABSOLUTELY NO HOOKUPS and even added a few lines about not wanting anything to do with men who were otherwise emotionally unavailable, meaning no married men, almost divorced men, engaged men, men with girlfriends, men with boyfriends, men with ex girlfriends who think they are still friends or any variation of the word…no means no.

Any unfortunately I think that has become a challenge of sorts…almost like a beacon.

So I have a theory of how this has evolved and how these men have perfected their craft…and it is a craft. You see before the internet, men had the option of hitting on maybe one or two women in any given night and it was done face to face. You were fortunate enough to look them in the eyes and smell the bullshit before the first drink was even poured. These days with Tinder, Match, POF, OkCupid, Bumble and any number of online dating sites popping up on the daily men have access to hundreds of women from all over the world…and they can blindly throw out lines and reel in the first sucker that bites…that sucker is usually me.

I thought I was a pretty sly fox, a good judge of character if you will and unfortunately as good as I am about reading people I am operating from a fundamentally flawed perspective…one of honesty…and this just will not do.

You see, the latest man I met and dated for 4 months added me to all of his social media accounts, so like any good stalker I trolled his pictures looking for clues about his life…no wife/girlfriend/fiancé, no wedding ring lines, comments from various friends professing what a great guy he was, how cute his children were…you know the standard. I felt good about my decision to continue dating him. We went to his house, my house, out for breakfast, out at night, out in the middle of the day. At no time was he unavailable, no red flags, everything was going great. He hit every check box on the imaginary list…Good career, stable, educated, owned a car, dressed well, had all his teeth…again the standard…

So why was I surprised when his live in girlfriend with 2 small children called me to tell me that I was a home wrecker?

I mean I should have seen this coming right?

You’re wondering if I’m serious and sadly I am. So after explaining myself to this woman I knew nothing about and properly cussing out the asshole that I was dating, I told her that she might want to look into his various accounts because I was certain this was not his first rodeo. If he could carry on a relationship with me for four months without so much as alerting a single spidey sense from my jaded ass he was expert level deceptor.

Lesson learned.