I’ve written about it before. It is the thing I struggle with the most in this life. I am trying to apply it today. I had one of those “ah-ha!” moments. It was a sad one, because with all the ability I have to convey with words my feelings there have been times with one person that I have been utterly unable to communicate. No, that’s a lie. I have been unwilling to listen to my gut, unwilling to listen to the screaming vibrations of everything within me and have decided that I know better than the universe. Times when I have verbalized out loud “I’m going to do things different, I’m going to take things slow and let them develop as they come” knowing full well the entire time that I am lying.
I’m changing. I’m growing.
I realized today that the things about me that once served me so well may not be having the same effects now and that I need to seriously reevaluate the way I interact. That for all of my self-aware introspection, I am not done evolving…that I need to step up as a human being. I can do better. I will do better.
You see change has to come from within and it has to be organic. We can all preach and praise and reinforce and punish to get results…but real results, real results come from within.
It’s an awakening, an admission that something is wrong or isn’t working the way we would like it to. And that the only way to fix it, is to fix what’s wrong with ourselves.
I spent a lot of time trying to convince another person of all the things that were “wrong” with the way I perceived they were treating me and less time on what I was doing either passively or actively to yield results. And the truth of it is…if I didn’t like the situation, I could always walk away from it, but I never did.
I wanted this person to have an AH-HA! moment of their own and tried to force them to do so. So with that this is an open letter to that lovely person who resides under the same sun and in my heart.
I’m sorry. Those words may look small but the weight of them is like a galaxy in my chest. I wish I could fold in on myself and be as beautiful as a star’s death so you would know that those words fall from my lips not with carelessness but with an absolute truth and depth that letters can’t measure.
I can only say that I see now what I could not see before and even that is a lie, it’s what I refused to see before because my ego and my pride eclipsed any light shed on our difficult yet beautiful relationship.
I am a stubborn one, but you already know that and as much as I would love to coat this letter and leave it dripping in sarcastic quips to lessen the burden of my responsibility, I cant. I can only say that I was not free in my love for you, it came at a cost to both of us and I am sorry. This grace thing is hard. It’s hard to look yourself in the mirror after realizing a mistake, it’s harder still to look in your eyes and know that I hurt you.
I know my heart, always have. And you know my heart, always have. I just feel badly that my actions have sometimes not matched my words, it was never intentional and that does not excuse them and I am in no way trying to explain away anything, only want you to be aware that I AM AWARE and can only promise that from this point forward I will do my best to exercise grace.