I’m listening to Welcome Home by Radical Face and these lyrics have always spoken to me. How often I have felt as though I was “choking on the sun” though perhaps for reasons far more dark than the song intended.
I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I am staving off numbness. I feel it creeping in, it lurks waiting for me to open the door. I’ve somehow managed to escape myself more times than I can count.
The truth is with every inhale I feel it, pain, sadness, disappointment, hope. And when I exhale I am repeating over and over “let it go, let it go”
You’d think I was referring to the pain and sadness, but what I am actually referring to is the hope. The hope is my detriment. The hope is the thing causing the pain and disappointment and how I wish for a harder heart.
I have sat on the edge of the cliff for so long that the fall is home. Looking back behind me is everything I ever wanted, that I don’t have. When I see him, my whole being is still, when I sleep next to him I sleep sound and heavy and when I wake to see him there, I feel complete.
I know he sleeps with me there too. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that we bother suffer from insomnia, bad dreams and restless minds. I often will myself to wake, just to check his breathing which is always calm and steady next to me.
When I watch him enter a room I cant help but smile. My soul knows him and it’s a familiarity that I can’t shake, believe me I’ve tried.
There are just some things that can not be explained and he is one of them. I can’t explain how or why I knew I loved him the moment I saw him. I can’t explain the how or why we were inseparable or how or why we failed so radically.
All I have is what I know and I know that I have always loved him, that I knew him long before we ever met. I’ve lived in other dwellings, set up shop and decorated the walls but nothing has ever felt as comfortable as his darkness.
He was the fall, he is home.