I can’t do this anymore and the truth is I don’t even want to. It’s become like a ritual, this thing I do to remain present in your life. I reach for you always…and always I come back empty.
I know what I want and you are unwilling and incapable of giving it to me. I thought my perseverance would pay off, that you would wake one morning and realize that you wanted to pull me into the curve of your body and feel the warmth from my skin on yours…I’m done with this masochism. I’ve lived here for too long.
You give just enough, just enough for me to get tangled in my own thoughts and I drown on them. They’re like anchors weighing me down. I’ve made a thousand excuses each one more elaborate than the last, each one a grand design of fear, directed at my heart to keep me here, waiting.
I can’t wait any longer. I’ve paid my dues in this emotional hell. I’ve walked through fire for you and if the charred remnants of my heart aren’t enough for you to see how much I have suffered in my waiting than nothing will ever be enough.
I’m done…and there is nothing to show for my wasted months, except the lessons I will carry into the future. And a future is what I want. A future with someone who will tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss me on the forehead. A future with someone who will watch me walk into a room and mouth the word “wow” because I am his. A future with someone who won’t let me go to bed wondering if he cares, someone warm, someone steady, someone who’s consistency will fill me.
I used to think it was I that was broken and perhaps part of me is…but I feel worthy of nothing less than a spectacular display of unyielding love in the face of all circumstance. I’m not looking for fairy tales and happy endings, I am looking for real and raw and beautiful and honest. I am looking for the person who sees me and knows me and wants to sweep the dust from every locked memory and every sad song. I am looking for the ray of light through the attic window, someone who will hunt the treasures of this life with me and not waste time living in the cage of the past.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not broken any longer. I came out on the other side of this trial forged by fire and with an absolute belief in love. I’ve seen it and I’ve felt it, it resides within me and if my counterpart never comes along, I know I have enough love inside the walls of my beating heart to give to myself.
And to be clear, this is not an easy step for me to take. In fact, the voice of fear is louder now than ever before but that is exactly how I know that I should take a leap of faith in myself and know that I can survive without you. I have, this entire time I have learned how to navigate without you. I held tight to what we had once and that is my cage…that is the cage of my past.
I’m ready to fly without you.
I’ve got wings of fire now and I am ready to let them carry me to the life I deserve.