To anyone and everyone,
I haven’t been writing lately. In fact, I haven’t been doing much of anything lately and I’m trying to figure out why. I guess for a while now I’ve been trapped in my own head. I haven’t even volunteered this latest development of my psyche to my friends…or to anyone for that matter and was even afraid to admit it to myself.
I put on this smile, this façade daily and the only time I feel like I get to be myself is when I am completely alone, surrounded by nothing. Otherwise I am busy thinking about all of the things I should be doing, all of the things I haven’t done, all of the things I need to do and all of the things I never care to do again.
I had this conversation recently with my daughter and she said something that has stuck with me for days and it made me proud to have such an insightful human on this planet. I told her that I was tired and that I really didn’t have a reason to be tired but that I was drained, exhausted. My daughter is well aware of the mental illness I suffer with and said to me in the most matter of fact tone…
“Mom, you’re so funny, I feel so bad that people who suffer with mental illness feel like they have to earn their sadness or exhaustion, you’re probably just tired from all of the things you have going on inside your head”
And she was right. She was 100% correct. I may not look on the outside like I am engaged in much, but the battles taking place in my mind every minute of every day are utterly exhausting. I have described what it’s like to be inside my mind to the best of my ability, to verbalize it…and the best description I can come up with is that my mind is like a corridor with open, banging doors on either side and every morning my task is to get those doors shut, one by one until I can get peace, or sleep in my case.
I start with the first door and go down the line one by one. Some doors are easy to close, a room that needs cleaning, a meal that needs packing, a phone call or email I need to answer. But some doors are nearly impossible. It’s like walking into an episode of hoarders and not knowing exactly where to start. On my good days I am strong and focused and I start picking up one thing at a time until that room is clear and I am ready to close the door, on bad days I sink to my knees on the threshold knowing that I am never going to find peace and the banging doors get louder and louder until all I see and hear are all the things I failed to accomplish. It’s like a steady trickle of water right between the eyes…it’s torture.
But lately, man oh man, lately the doors are swinging wide open and the corridor is narrow and I am standing looking down the hallway and simply refusing to move. Which if you can imagine that struggle is almost comical to me at this point…my stubbornness is finally playing with my OCD…and no one’s winning, least of all me, so I’m tired ALL the damn time.
So I’ve been neglecting friends and family and pets and life because the thought of adding anything additional, even things I LIKE…is simply too much right now. So I don’t do it and then of course feel guilty for not doing it, but can’t seem to escape this hallway to save myself.
So I thought I would offer up this explanation to why I am not writing or answering calls and texts, why I haven’t responded to emails or agreed to hang out…to say it is nothing personal, it is me and my mind and I just need the time to work through this phase of whatever it is I am dealing with…and know that Ill see you on the other side of this if you’re willing to stick around.