Oh where do I start? I suppose just like anything else I’m going to have to dive right in and just bare it all. It’s what I’m best at and it’s really the only way I know how to write…bare bones and ugly.
I’m the ugly crier. I’ve never had the single perfect tear stroll leisurely down my porcelain face…nope, I’m the girl with crocodile tears that fall in unfathomable increments, leaking like a faucet down cheeks stained blood red from Irish capillaries that burst under the pressure of the thoughts I fight so hard to contain.
I wasn’t even going to write this because I felt in doing so I might feed the egos of some otherwise undeserving humans that will immediately assume this “song is about them” and I hate to break it to them, this song is about ME.
So I’ll stop beating around the bush and just say it….
I am not a convenience.
I am not the girl that you can call at 2am.
In fact I am not a girl at all… but a woman who knows her worth and her value and who revels in every sexy, wild, alluring, powerful, funny, quirky, witty, charming, magical inch of my being.
There is no part of me that wishes to dilute myself into being the delicacy of others.
There is no part of me that is aching to take your call or answer your offhanded, late night text. I am not sitting around waiting or wondering IF you’ll contact me at all.
I am content answering to the call of my free spirit. You may see me alone but rest assured I am far from lonely.
I’ve spent the last 3 years finding my voice, accepting my imperfections and harnessing the power of my divine, unique soul. I am confident in every fault and flaw. The mistakes I’ve made, I’ve forgiven myself for and I’ve forgiven each and every human that has ever crossed paths with me. I am a soul built and designed to love and be loved, even if only briefly.
So I suppose the message is this;
I am not a convenience.
If you can’t text me at 1pm, please don’t text me at 1am. I am not the woman for you.
If you only think of me once in a blue moon, think of me well and save your voice for the shallows, because my depths are deep and I don’t wish to fish you from them.
I don’t have time for beautiful words that linger like fishing hooks waiting to dig into my flesh, tell me rather that you’d like to spend the evening in my company, fucking until the sun comes up and let’s just leave it at that.
I need honesty over anything else that could spew from your lips because I am not a convenience, I am the fire and the gasoline…I am the smoke dancing on restless waters and I am truth above all else.
I am no fragile thing…
I will spin wings from the web of your lies and use them to lift me from your empty promises.
I am here to get absolute, to get filthy, to make a bloody mess of this beating heart and I will be magic for the person willing to get dirty with me…
I don’t need to be convinced to be intimate with you. I will do with my body what I see fit to do. I am not so quick or naïve to believe your pleasantries, in fact, unless you have EVERY intent of backing up your words with actions, keep it short and to the point, lets just be honest… I know that this approach leaves you open to rejection, but I promise you the more forthcoming you are, the more you will have my respect and the more likely I am to do the things I probably want to do anyway.
The minute I sense insincerity or apprehension on your part is the minute I begin to lose all respect and without that, you become nothing at all. Indifference.
So I am begging you …pay attention.
I am not here for your convenience.