An open letter to the man who raped me

I won’t open this with Dear,   because there is nothing dear about you. Instead I will simply start and finish with the truth.

The truth is, I am still processing what happened to me and even in saying that it makes me angry, because this is not about what “happened to me” as if some act of god or mother nature occurred, this is what YOU chose to DO to me.

So I am still processing what YOU did to me.

I have good days and bad days and worse days and days that I am numb and days that I am only capable of breathing and blinking and days when I am highly functioning but there is not a single day that I am not reminded in some way of the violent way that you executed your will over mine. Not a single day.

My body will recover. The bruises have faded. But my mind works over time trying to reconcile that this could happen, that THIS could be my life right now. You thought I wouldn’t tell, you thought I would feel shame, you thought I would sweep this under the rug and chalk it up to one more heinous thing that you’ve done in your life.

You were wrong.

You see, my life has prepared me for this. My life has been forging me with fire from the age of 6 and hasn’t let up yet. I am battle tested. I have been measured. I am not ashamed of what you did to me. I am not ashamed of my past, my sexuality, my relationship with you. I am not ashamed of any of it, because NOTHING gave you the right to violate me, nothing gave you the right to exercise YOUR will over my desperate, loud, verbal and physical commands for you to STOP. No part of our encounter was consensual. NONE of it.

You told me instead to “stop fighting you”

That, “it’ll feel good if you stop fighting”

I didn’t stop fighting.

I didn’t stop yelling.

I didn’t stop crying.

I didn’t stop screaming for you to stop.

But you persisted until you were finished with me and discarded me just as easily.

Well…I have news for you.

I am not finished with you.

I am going after you legally with the vengeance of a mother protecting her child, because I can only imagine that this is not the first time nor the last time that you will violate someone. If you can violate someone that you “cared” about, I can only imagine what you’ll do to someone you don’t “care” for.

Now, the heart of things…how I feel.

Heartbroken.

For so long I tried to see the very best in you despite all the reasons not too. At first I WAS ashamed. I questioned myself “why did I go there to talk to you?” “Why didn’t I learn my lesson every other time we talked that nothing would ever change?” “Why did I care if we stayed in each other’s lives when we clearly wanted different things and were moving on?”

I started thinking about and dreading what would happen if I reported this crime against me. Our relationship would be dissected, my sex life would be dissected, my choices, lifestyle, personal affairs delved into. I started to think about your life and what it would mean if you were convicted, what would become of your family…I STILL cared about YOUR family despite what you did to me.

I realized there would be many who wouldn’t believe me, people who wouldn’t want to be involved, people who would suddenly become distant and not know what to say around me, people who would place some of the blame on me directly…I realized I would have to tell my family, my friends, my co-workers and it was a daunting thought process…it still is.

But I refuse to allow YOUR actions to change me.

I am saving myself by being myself.

I ache. I ache everywhere. My heart aches, my soul aches but I am determined not to let this be the thing that destroys me…I hate the word victim. I will not be YOUR victim…

I will continue to be a survivor, for as long as this broken mind will allow.

I never thought I would be here again. I never thought as an adult I would or could be victimized in this  way again by someone I once loved. But life is full of surprises and this is by far the worst kind of surprise and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

This writing seems so cold and doesn’t capture the complexity of emotions running though me and perhaps one day I’ll be able to open that vein, but right now I am surviving.

You picked the wrong woman.

I am a god damn warrior.

I will not be silenced with shame.

I will not be silenced.

 

author’s note

****This incident happened recently and I have filed formal charges. I have a victim advocate and special victim’s counsel and will be pursuing this to the very end, there is no part of me that will give up the fight for justice for myself and accountability for the perpetrator of this crime****

 

3 thoughts on “An open letter to the man who raped me

  1. I know you probably do not want to hear from a man. I just wanted to say that I read this last night and have been thinking about it ever since. It breaks my heart, truly. I so badly want to be able to make your pain go away. You are doing the right thing by fighting back. Stay strong.

  2. I am so sorry this happened to you.The mother in me wishes I could take all the hurt away. I admire your determination to stay strong. I believe this article will help many women that you may never hear from. Thank you for sharing.

  3. I love you Christie! Unconditional support and love for you always!

    Please let’s make a date! I am sharing this in hopes for others to cleave confidence and fight for justice!

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