Confessions of a mad mind~ what I’ve learned by coming clean…

I started my blog in an effort to clear space from a very muttled mind. I had no real direction, no plan, no structure and no true education in the process of writing. What I did have was my truth and an ability to convey my truth through writing down my feelings, most often after a few drinks.

I found that writing for me was the only way I could work out the things going on in my life. There have been many times that I wasn’t even aware of my feelings on a particular event I was going through until I sat down to write them. More often than not, even I was surprised by the content of thoughts that spilled from my mind.

I have a very difficult time quantifying the experiences I have had because I have this nasty habit of talking myself out of feeling things wholly. I believe this stems from my family’s motto that “someone always has it worse than you”…in other words “stop your bitching, it could be worse”.

This has led to a lifetime of feeling things just enough to fuck me up but not enough to process and leaving behind a trail of unresolved issues which have manifested themselves in the form of eating disorders, depression, OCD, PTSD and anxiety.

I began to understand myself better through my writing and found that I was able to look introspectively for the first time. Prior to writing I was a very angry, very bitter individual who attracted like minds. I don’t have to tell you how utterly unhealthy that became.

To say I have led an interesting life is an understatement. I have housed a hundred lifetimes in this body. I have been married, divorced, single, rich, poor, homeless, sheltered, loved, hated, diseased and disease free, broken, beaten, raped, battered, institutionalized, employed, unemployed, I have chased dreams, I have attempted suicide, I have been a dancer, a waitress, a bartender, a writer, a poet, an author, an X-ray technician, a surgical technician, a medical assistant, a medical technologist, a receptionist, a stay at home mother, a working mother, a call center operator, a manager, a maid and an intern. I have OCD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and PTSD. I have been carved into and reconstructed over 20 times… I am truly a disciple of life.

I didn’t title my blog right away. The title sort of came to me after reading about a year’s worth of content. I began unraveling myself in a way that exposed my mental health issues and for the first time felt no shame in the thoughts that would flood my mind.  I wanted the title to accurately capture what it felt like for me to re-read my own words and I think I have done that.

I have been embraced by so many friends and family members on this journey but more surprising has been the outpouring of support from the writing community. I have made many friends through this process and have gained strength and conviction with every post.

My life is my own.

My thoughts are my own.

My feelings are my own.

I have found freedom in sharing my inner most being with whoever decides to read my confessions.

Some of my most difficult pieces, the ones I thought would drive readers away, the ones I thought would cause the most pause for those who know me have been received and held, reinforcing my resolve to continue to be as open and vulnerable as my heart will allow.

I suffer, silent mostly, until I am here in front of this cool white screen and it’s blinking cursor.

I have been asked what inspires me and truth be told I have no idea. I write when I am compelled to and not a moment sooner. I rarely if ever edit my work which goes against almost every writer’s code and often I write while listening to music that I know will trigger memories or emotions that can no longer be contained. I believe wholeheartedly in the quote “write drunk, edit sober” minus the edit part…I find that if I combine drinking with trigger music I am more likely to open the flood gates of my mind and I am able to recollect with incredible detail the events that have shaped my life.

What I have learned about myself is that I do in fact have a “mad mind” and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My mind has allowed me to survive and although to most it may not seem like much, to me it is everything.

I am not the same person I was when I started this journey. I am not the same person I was yesterday.

I exist in a constant state of duality. Simultaneously happy and filled with sorrow, faithless and always looking for something to believe in, filled with angst and at peace with myself and who I am becoming.

My mind has divided itself into survivable increments which allow me to plug along, showing up for every sunrise and sunset as best as I can.

I have written one quote that is all me, my words. It defines who I am. It defines my life. It defines my soul. I gave these words away once but never again because THIS is who I am…this is my purpose.

My heart’s will to love, despite the hand that has been dealt me is EVERYTHING.

“May your heart’s will to love be greater than the sum of your life’s disappointments” ~ Christie Page

 

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to follow my journey and for holding me up when the waters got too deep.

 

 

 

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