Not okay

I’m not okay today. In fact, I haven’t been okay for a few weeks, but the last six days in particular have been absolute hell. My depression seems to have grown exponentially and what I was once describing as a sleeping dog lately seems to have grown three heads and reminds me of Fluffy from Harry Potter. I cant seem to get a handle on it and I am drowning.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of putting a fake smile on my face and pretending that the things I’m doing bring me an ounce of happiness, because they don’t. I am not happy. I am not okay and I am fucking sick and tired of acting like I am.

I still can’t believe I was raped by someone I loved. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I keep wanting the nightmare to end. I keep trying to wake up from reality. Nothing works. I am in such emotional, mental and physical pain that my will to do anything is just shot to shit.

I was asked to deal poker tonight. I need the money. It’s the last thing I want to do because it is a terrible reminder of just how much pain I am in, just how different I look physically and just how much I hate “efforting” even the tiniest amount. I don’t want to put makeup on. I don’t want to put clothes on, preferring instead to stay in my ugly grey sweat pants, laying on a heating pad, willing my life away. I don’t want to leave my house and haven’t really, except for brief outings when I feel forced.

I got angry yesterday that my amazing boyfriend showed up at my house looking absolutely stunning in my favorite tailored shirt and dress pants and I greeted him with bare face and pajamas, unable to even bother to brush my hair. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin I insisted he change so that I wouldn’t feel so utterly disgusting. I cry constantly and he deserves better than some red faced-unkempt lunatic who can’t even get out of bed half the time.

I am not okay. I am just not okay right now.

I hate absolutely every single thing going on in my life right now and am struggling to stay true to who I am and what I believe, fighting my own beliefs. I am pissed. I am so fucking angry that that piece of shit could rape me and that I am supposed to try to rebuild my life again…AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I am screaming inside and I fear what I would conjure if I let that scream rip from my lungs and out into the air. So I’ve decided to just go. I am going to drive until the car runs out of gas and just go. It’s all I can think to do.

No destination, no plan, not a dime to my name…just finally going somewhere, anywhere but here.

 

see you around.

 

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