Man oh man where to even start this post…I suppose like the rest it’ll just flow from my heart on to the page.
It has been almost impossible for me to maintain my dignity throughout this process. I’m referring to being raped and my many failed attempts to heal my broken soul. It’s been almost impossible to maintain my dignity when it was so violently stripped from me. But that’s exactly what he wants. He wants me to feel less than. He wants me to feel broken and undeserving of justice. He wants me to feel…
I’ve done things that in hindsight I probably wouldn’t make the decision to do again. You see I wanted so desperately for other people to see the monster that lies beneath his cool and callous exterior. I wanted them to see what I know lives inside that facade. You see, I’ve never needed anyone to validate that the rape happened. I know it did. He knows that he did something wrong. I lived through it and he committed the act. No amount of his denial will ever change what happened between us and he hates that. He hates himself for that. He lost control over himself in his attempt to gain control over me.
So today I am letting go. I am walking away from that moment in my life and whatever is going to happen is going to happen and no amount of fighting, screaming, yelling, demanding or crying is going to change the course trajectory that we are on. He will be found guilty because facts are facts and as much as we both want to forget that the evening of September 15th into the early morning hours of September 16th ever happened, the fact is it did happen.
I am taking back my dignity today. My head is high. I am not living in fear. I refuse. I know that I live and die with this case and that has brought me a great source of comfort. I no longer have to worry about what the future may entail or what I’m going to do anymore. I am going to enjoy my time here. I am going to bask in love and light. I decided today was the beginning of my best life.
I am still conflicted but committed. I am not going to deny what I feel but I’m not going to submit to it either.
I’m preparing for my journey. In two weeks I am outta here. I am literally leaving on a jet plane to destinations unknown and I am ready to slip in to a nomadic life. My heart’s will to love is still greater than the sum of my life’s disappointments and I am going to put myself in the way of beauty and adventure and seize every opportunity to taste life.
There is nothing that defines me. No experience, no love lost, no moment in time no matter how traumatic. There is nothing that defines me.
I am free.
On Friday I am deleting all of my social media and my digital presence as much as is humanly possible to do so and I am going to set out on my journey to leave my mark on this earth. I want to leave bite marks so deep on life that the universe knows I was here.
My gypsy soul is finally free to roam the planet and I intend to do just that.
Farewell friends. Fare thee well.