What I wish you knew…

I wish you knew how hard it was to wake up every morning.

How hard it is to face each day wondering what new fuckery will unpack itself on my doorstep…wondering what new threat, new complication, new request or obligation is waiting in the wings.

Most mornings I just want to stay in bed, pull the covers up around my head and will the hours to go by faster.

Facing every day knowing that somewhere out there my rapist walks free while I’ve become a prisoner in my own home. Hell, let’s be honest, I’ve become a prisoner in my own body, haunted by thoughts, smells, feelings, memories and nightmares.

Every time I check my email I hold my breath, always waiting for the next shoe to drop, another failure, an opportunity missed or someone reaching out from beyond anonymity.

I don’t trust anything or anyone anymore. All I want to do is hide. I want to erase my presence here in this digital world. I want to go off the grid, never to be seen or heard from again…yet here I am.

I’m not ALLOWED to do the things that would make MY life easier, or bring me comfort, or protection…I’m not even allowed to limit someone’s access to my own personal thoughts. Things I once thought were protected, available now for public consumption, to be weighed, measured and judged.

So let me say this loud and clear…I was BRUTALLY RAPED BY KEITH ALAN SNYDER OF PATRICK AIR FORCE BASE and the ONLY reason ANYONE would put themselves through a process that reveals every single thing about them, including things that are painful, humiliating and at times paint me in a horrible light is because a CRIME was committed by this low-life loser not just against me, but against others as well…

If I thought for one second that Keith Alan Snyder wouldn’t rape again I may have been able to carry this terrible crime with me to the grave, but it was discovered during the course of the investigation against him that he had sexually assaulted others a year prior to me…and that was something I simply could NOT ignore.

I don’t care what river of horseshit Keith is selling his supporters but what they fail to realize is that a separate convening authority had to find probable cause for these cases to all move forward…it isn’t in MY control or the control of the other victims what they find and recommend…

and it WAS found in THREE separate cases that there was enough EVIDENCE to support that a crime happened and it was recommended in ALL THREE CASES that this would go to trial. What that means for those of you too ignorant to comprehend is that if MY case didn’t move forward, the other cases would STILL be going forward….because the EVIDENCE in those cases also supported that a crime occurred…

This wasn’t and isn’t a case of me making a rape allegation and recruiting women I’ve never met in person to go along with the story and jump on some “rape” bandwagon to bring down the mighty Keith Snyder…no matter how much he may want to sell you on that story…There was NOTHING made up about Keith raping me…or anyone else who may have had the strength to come forward…

Rapists aren’t always the guy waiting in a dark alley to ambush a perfect stranger and it seems that people are more prone to feeling empathy and sympathy when that’s the case, but statistics and science tell us that rape by someone we know happens in 2/3 of ALL cases. TWO THIRDS!!! More than half is by someone we know.

I’m sure Keith Alan Snyder hasn’t abused EVERY woman he’s ever been with and that allows people to hold out hope that he isn’t the monster I know him to be.  But just because he didn’t rape YOU, does NOT mean he didn’t rape ME.

I am tired of denying how hard this process is… how utterly devastating, how wholly intrusive and unjust…

When I spend more time defending MY actions than a rapist does defending theirs, we are a LONG way from justice.

But I’m in this fight until the end.

I could not live with myself if I allowed another woman to experience the violence and brutality at his hands that I faced.

I’m NOT going anywhere, they can drag this process out for ten more years…and I’ll still be sitting there in the courtroom the day he is sentenced to jail.


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