It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written and I mean truly written. So today I decided to speak my truths and there are so many swirling around in my mind that I’m not quite sure where to begin. I guess I’ll write you a letter and just never send it out…nothing could go wrong with that idea huh?
You gotta laugh because if you don’t you’ll choke on the injustices of the world. Nothing like having double vision.
I guess I’m proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I’m proud.
I’m reading a book that is breathing new life into old bones. I’m finding all these hidden spaces where talents emerge. I am in all the dark caves of my mind. Green is greener today. My soul feels something stirring. I’m on fire. My soul is healing, maybe I’m Wolverine? Honestly, it’s Ryan Reynolds over Hugh Jackman this time, only I’m not dead.
I cry now if I need to, if something strikes me, moves me, stirs me I’m not going to hide the emotional being that I am. I like seeing the faces without their masks. Because whether bad or good, truth lies there. And I like the truth more than anything else. That gift is cherished.
I suppose that is because it is a gift that lasts. We could have had a real chance at a real thing you and I. And I write this knowing you’re reading, only writing back in your head. Writing this is risky, people will seek a sinister meaning, some will see it as I’m talking to them, when really it’s you and it’s always been.
I loved Shakespeare in high school. So dark, deep, longing. But it was then that I realized I would always root for the underdog. I also knew I would likely be that underdog for my whole life. I wanted lovers to love till their dying breaths. I romanticized everything.
I put a positive spin on every single thing that ever happened to me. So when I should have been learning boundaries, I was becoming at expert at making nice, the dangers right in front of me. I was really good at that.
But no, not anymore. I will no longer buy into that horseshit that says “whatever I survived made me stronger”
Get the fuck right out of here with that.
What I survived I survived… BARLEY by some divine intervention. And I was not about to buy into saving grace so if you’re at this point in the story where you’re hoping I convert and Jesus Christ becomes my lord and savior this is NOT one of those stories. But I’ll let you in on a little secret… I do believe in saving grace. Ask me about it sometime. A conundrum, what does she mean? She’s contradicting herself. Keep reading…
Sometimes the things that happen to you are so horrible that you will never be the same again. And that has to be okay at some point on our journey and it’s hard and that path seems so far away sometimes. So many instances in my life when I didn’t even know I was prey. I learned that the hard way. It’s a wonder girls survive at all.
I play music to this orphaned plant I rescued. I don’t know if it’s a he or a she so I haven’t given it a name. So for now (leaning towards a he) we call it (feels awful saying that) Plant.
Plant loves ice water and Chris Isaak. Don’t you?
I am processing pride. It’s weird. It feels like a suit made for me, but as a skin I hadn’t quite grown into yet. I am proud of me. Showing compassion towards this once battered and neglected living thing. I could devote some of this time to other more productive things. But then I ask myself why I care?
And that is when the thunderbolt hit my chest and my breath was stolen by the vision that I got. I was love. Fucking LOVE. It was as simple and as complicated as that. I was hoping if I got a superpower it would be something cool, like flying, or controlling the weather, like Storm from the X-Men. Fucking LOVE.
You’ve got to be kidding me. I am the least qualified human to handle anything having to do with real love and vulnerability. Except NOW I knew.
I was LOVE. Fuck. (pronounced Faaacccccckkk!!!!)
I really did feel everything. All of it. Good. Evil. All at once and it was exhausting. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve just learned how to manage it. “It” was my value, my self-worth. I finally really felt it.
I was becoming the wolf.
Power scares people. It really freaks them out. When they see you have it for yourself and it isn’t tied to any car or house; that it had nothing to do with keeping up with the Jones’ or radically downsizing to compete for Title of: “Who’s Sucking Mother Earth’s Tits”
Power that comes from within, that needs no light going forward because they are the light, that kind of power scares just about everyone who isn’t competing.
Whoa we are going in deep today. I am medicated writing this to you from stream of consciousness that I am happy to share with you.
“You are needed”.
That’s the voice I hear in my mind. “You are needed”.
And my heart agreed before I could even hear the end of the sales pitch.
“You are needed”.
So here I am.