Category: Eating disorders

Patterns of behavior and why I am so mad.

I KNOW people are a collective pattern of behavior. I KNOW this. I subscribe to it, believe in it whole hearted. This includes myself. I am trying desperately to break patterns. I am trying to rethink my path and make decisions that are healthier, wiser and rational. I failed last night. I fell into my old pattern. I believed the lies. I wanted to. Desperately, desperately want to be loved and more importantly, understood. I went to see him, after all he professed his love for me, he said he wanted me again. I believed. I wanted to. He didn’t even greet me, treated me like a stranger. I got a nod and a “what can I get you?” from behind an empty bar. I expected an embrace, a kiss. Something to solidify the words that were spoken. I got none of that. I was crushed. My heart splintered into a few more fragile pieces. I should KNOW better. I am doing this to myself. I am opening up the door to this pain and inviting it in over and over again. My pattern of behavior, and so what do I do? I punish myself. In the only way I know how. I pop laxatives and diet pills, I work out. I cramp, I am up all night with an upset stomach, racing mind and broken heart…I am angry at myself for it. I know better. I slipped. I fell but I am up again this morning, starting over. Looking for strength. Looking for forgiveness from myself.

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Stupid girl…letter to self.

You stupid, stupid girl. Why do you allow the words to penetrate your heart? Why do the walls come down? Why are you so quick to believe the lies? You stupid, stupid girl. Fairy tales don’t exist. Happy endings are paid for. Why are you so desperate to be loved? Why can’t you love yourself enough for it to be enough? Why are you so damaged, so broken? Why doesn’t it ever last? Why? why? why? Will you please listen to your brain!? Will you please listen to the people who love you even when you can’t love yourself, you stupid stupid girl!! Will you stop….just stop, please.

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